Playscript - Alexander Salamander

Written by Administrator

English version. A short play commissioned by the Traverse Theatre in Edinburgh. The full title is "Alexander Salamander - or the story of a teenage pyromaniac."

ALEXANDER SALAMANDER

 

CHARACTERS

ALEXANDER SALAMANDER

A teenage pyromaniac.

 

ELDER - Mac an Amharuis - Amorous Amharus

Is Alexander's father. Played by a woman, a religious man.

 

SUR

Alexander's teacher in school. He hates Alexander.

 

CHICKENS

Played by all the other actors in the company.

(Alexander lying on his back, spreadeagled on the floor. The set is empty apart from a small shed which is in

darkness. It is a chicken shed, on one side are steps up to the top of it.)

 

ALEXANDER

It was ten years ago to the day that I landed BANG on my parents floor. I almost landed on my head, if it wasn’t for the quick reflexes of the rugby playing midwife.

 

I don’t know why I landed here. A  misguided angel. A hungover angel joke.

 

One thing I knew was that I always wanted to leave this place.

 

My mother found it all a bit of a surprise when I arrived, I don’t think anyone had fully explained thing to her. So I didn’t see much of her.

 

My father is an elder. Plays with his false teeth. Eats soup. Says Obh, Obh  a lot. He says that I was sent by God to teach him not to get above himself, and that I was a black heathen with no reason to be on this earth. So I was left to get on with my own thing.

 

And at an early age, I learnt that I had a talent to hypnotise chickens.

 

(Alexander jumps on top of the little chicken shed. At first he is on his haunches, sniffing the air like a dog, then he jumps up and starts banging it.)

 

ALEXANDER

Come out chucks, come out! Gog-gag!

 

(The chickens slowly make their way out, looking about inquisitively. With a shout Alexander jumps off the hen house into their midst and corners one. The chicken isn’t sure what to do, goes left, Alexander thwarts him. Goes right, Alexander grabs him by the neck and holds him by the neck to the ground.)

 

ALEXANDER

Lesson one. Hold the chuck to the ground.

 

(The chicken is going mental. The other chickens can’t turn away.)

 

Lesson two. One piece of chalk. Draw a straight line from the beak in a direction away from the beak.

 

(He does so and the chicken instantly quietens down, its arse in the air, staring along the ground.)

 

And that’s that, as they say.

 

(He claps once. All the other chickens adopt the same pose and Alexander surveys his work.)

 

ALEXANDER

Hit it.

 

 

 

 

A James Brown track starts. Alexander starts grooving to it and so do the chickens, who are in formation. They do the funky chicken and the mashed potato.

 

The Elder comes on. He is carrying a bucket of chicken feed, mashed potatoes and all sorts of nonsense. He stands for a moment, looking at the scene before him, then shouts.

 

ELDER

What the hell is going on here!

 

(The chickens and Alexander stop dead.)

 

ALEXANDER

Nothing.

 

ELDER

I told you not to play with the chickens again.

 

ALEXANDER

I never saw anything.

 

ELDER

If you behave like a chicken, you can live with the chickens.

 

(He grabs Alexander by the neck and shoves him in the henhouse, Alexander protests. The chickens wake up out of their daze and the elder ushers them in with Alexander, pours the mashed potatoes in through the narrow door and then bolts it. Alexander protesting some more, and then the elder leaves. Quiet for a moment, and Alexander’s arms hanging out of the window.)

 

ALEXANDER

And that’s where he left me for two nights. Feeding me mashed potatoes. Jonah wooden whale. He left me no choice, your honour.

 

(Alexander takes out a box of matches and holds a few matches out. Lights them and drops them in the shed. More and more commotion from the chickens, the inside of the shed glows red. The shed is shaking inside with the chickens flying about, and then the shed door bursts open and the chickens run out on fire. Madness, and then they scatter, leaving Alexander standing there by himself. He stands centre stage for a moment, a chair is quickly placed under him and he sits.)

 

ALEXANDER

And that was me. Back to school. The school for chickens. My father never said anything about it in case people talked about him.

 

SUR

Where have you been for the last couple of days, Alexander.

 

ALEXANDER

Oh, you know.

 

(Sur gets up and wanders around the class.)

 

SUR

No sick note. No lame excuses, mmm?

 

ALEXANDER

No , sur.

 

SUR

Well?

 

ALEXANDER

I’ve been locked in the chicken shed.

 

SUR

Really.

 

What’s the capital of Columbia? Alexander?

 

ALEXANDER

Don’t know, sir.

 

(Hits him with the cane)

 

SUR

Bogota. Say it.

 

ALEXANDER

Bogota.

 

SUR

What sign for iron in the periodic table.

 

(There is a pause. Sur hits him again.)

 

SUR

Fe. Say it.

 

 

ALEXANDER

Fe.

 

SUR

Bannockburn. And what’s that smell of potatoes?

 

ALEXANDER

Pardon?

 

(Hits him again.)

 

SUR

Thirteen fourteen.

 

(Alexander stands up.Reels back three times as if he is being hit.)

 

ALEXANDER

Thwack, thwack, thwack... melting points and Bogota and clinker built and ten sixty six. Thwack, thwack. I started to feel like a herring bouncing about in a pail, hitting myself off the sides.

 

something else here

SUR

What’s the capital of Vietnam?

 

ALEXANDER

Sir, what do you call a Gaswegian Vietnam film... a poke o’ chips now.

 

(Hits him, thwack. Alexander grabs the stick off him and grabs him by the jacket. Looks in his face.)

 

ALEXANDER

Stop hitting me!

 

(The teacher loses his temper and grabs him, throws him to the ground. He picks up from a desk an old belt.)

 

SUR

(SHOUTS) Bend over, boy.

 

 

(Alexander doesn’t bend, so Sur forces him over. - centre stage, facing the audience. The teacher gives him a good belting. Alexander slumps to the ground, and he is left alone on the stage.)

 

ALEXANDER

Sore bum. Sore bum. Leather pain and red line sting.

 

(Alexander takes an asthma inhaler out of his pocket and takes a puff. He gets up and brushes himself down.)

 

He didn’t like being shown up by a little tinker, so the next day he cornered me in a quiet place, at the top of the stairs.

 

(At the top of the stairs is Sur. Alexander is about to walk past him.)

 

ALEXANDER

Howdy doody, Sur.

 

SUR

You boy. Come here.

 

ALEXANDER

Sir?

 

(When Alexander gets nearer to him, Sur grabs him by the jacket and pulls him closer to him.)

 

SUR

Now listen to me you little shit, if I hear another word out of you in my class, I’ll have you sitting in a cupboard for the next year. Think youÕre the fucking bees knees blubba lubba mumble jumble cheeky chucky blubble hubble

 

 

ALEXANDER

Bees knees?

 

And then I feel a little push and a lean over the edge, and I was standing tippy-toes on the tippy-top step of Adam’s ladder to heaven, it felt like.

 

(Alexander holds his arms out to the sides, wobbling, Sur has got hold of him.)

 

Albatross. Jesus on a rubber cross. Help me sir, I’m about to fall.

 

(Sur lets go. Alexander looks at him for a second, balancing precariously, and then falls.)

 

ALEXANDER

Spread my wings, no air. Broken bird bouncing down the hard steel steps, falling like a ball until I reached the bottom, snapped. Angle legs and empty chest.

 

(Sur moves to stand beside him, looks at him. Looks up.)

 

 

 

SUR

The boys had an accident.

 

Can’t control himself.

 

Messing about.

 

Won’t learn any other way.

 

(Sur leaves. Alexander motionless for a moment then spins round on his back.)

 

ALEXANDER

Nurse nurse hospital hospital.

 

Nothing from the teachers but more rows. Tries to explain but nobody listening, it was I in trouble for that bastard bouncing me down the stairs. Honey faced kissy kissy headmaster.

 

(Hangs his legs out angularly)

 

Broken leg. And breaking it again reset it. Casts and splints. I would get him back. Oh, yes.

 

 

BIT MORE HERE

 

(Alexander looks around slyly.)

 

After I’d healed. I was playing in the nettles near the school and saw something fishy. Flounder, herring, cod. I had an advantageous view of some school rooms, and who did I see but Sur. He was giving some extra teaching to one of the girls.

 

I was up on my feet straight away, sniffing the air.

 

(On his haunches, sniffing, gives a little bark like a dog. We see Sur getting close to the older girl. They are behind a screen and their shadows are being cast on it.)

 

ALEXANDER

Well, we did have a show that night, myself and the other dogs. And every Wednesday after Girl Guides we were treated to more of the same. Maybe Sur liked the uniform. Maybe she had awful grades.

 

It didn’t take long to, gog-gag, hatch my plan. I never thought it would turn out like it did.

 

I waited until their attention was elsewhere, and then laid my surprise.

 

(Alexander rolls about the floor)

 

I laid traps here and there. To smoke them out like rabbits. And then I waited with my fire-hextinguisher to give Sur in his y-fronts a good soaking.

 

Nothing at first, then a spark and then a smoke and then a blaze (red behind him) a gorgeous rabbit warming blaze.

 

(Sur and the girl behind the screen being overcome by the heat. Then they are in the dark.)

 

ALEXANDER

Bouncing red flames and a napalm smell. Burnt chicken smell.

 

 

The blaze goes down. Alexander standing on top of the chicken shed, a light on Alexander, beams of light like prison bars circling him.

 

ALEXANDER

Needless to say, it didn’t go exactly to plan.

 

It didn’t take long for the police to find me, hiding in the chicken shed. My father didn’t want to speak to me, and as it turned out I didn’t see him again, it all being too much for his heart.

 

Police cell cold. Warm slash across the face over and over.

 

I thought that with Dad and Sur gone that I would at least have time to do my own thing again. No.

 

(Alexander kicks the air.) You little shit. You little dog. You little bastard.

 

(A bag gets thrown on stage beside him, a jacket gets thrown at him.As he talks the light gets lower until it is almost black.)

 

But they sent me away to a new house. New friends. New life which would be my life for a long time. No matches charlie says.

 

Well, at least I managed to get my way at last. At least I got of the island.

 

(In the near dark, Alexander lights a match, a sly look on his face.)

 

Well... maybe.

 

(Dark. The whummph of petrol igniting.)

 

END.

 

 

 

 

 

 

OTHER EXTRA BITS

 

ELDER

Alexander, I donÕt think you should be spending so much time with the chickens as you are.

 

ALEXANDER

Eh?

 

ELDER

Have you any other friends?

 

ALEXANDER

I like the chickens though.

 

 

 

ELDER

Obh, obh. What a sinner you are. It pains my heart to see my own flesh and blood as much a sinner as Judas was.

 

ALEXANDER

IÕm not old enough to be a sinner.

 

ELDER

We are all sinners when we are brought into this world.

 

ALEXANDER

Apart from you?

 

ELDER

I am a sinner, one of the worst.

 

ALEXANDER

Why, what have you done. Bad things?

 

ELDER

Well... well, nothing really bad.

 

ALEXANDER

Well, then.

 

And so, I was lost anyway. So, I could do anything I liked and I had an excuse. God made me this way.